Love Marriage Ya Arranged Marriage

'Love Marriage Ya Arranged Marriage?' debate two chirpy girls barely out of their teens on one of the entertainment channels.
This was a question which people used to ask in the more  conservative 80s. But even then, this was a question or rather a fear that the parents had; we young girls were all impatient to try our wings and were raring to fly. Many of those girls have done well in their lives today. When I say us girls, I refer to the mostly middle- class, small-town, close-knit, education-focused cosmopolitan crowd. We didn't know then what happened beyond the gates of the steel township. We didn't have girls discussing marriage. The question was always what next in life.

When the name of this serial was announced, I was taken aback...do people discuss 'Love Marriage Ya Arranged Marriage' these days? On the flip side: how does it matter how you choose to die? It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered? On a serious note though, do people care these days? For this generation in their 20s, they freely discuss everything with their parents and if they find a Mr /Ms Right, they let their parents know. If they don't find someone, they are equally comfortable about asking their parents to look for them.

The serial strengthens the idea in conservative Indian minds that a girl's existence centers around marriage. To add fuel to the fire, I heard an elderly lady advising someone, "get your daughter married before she falls in love with someone." That the girl is good at studying and had earned a Master's from abroad holds no importance.

Indra Nooyi, Naina Lal Kidwai, Kiran Mazumdar Shaw are just a few examples of India-born women who have done wonders with their careers. All three married at a time they chose to, to a person they chose to, have empowered themselves, live with dignity and turned out to be iconic leaders who knowingly and unknowingly inspire thousands of women to fulfill their dreams. Girls! Be firm and tell your parents, "Marriage can wait, education cannot.”  (Khaled Hosseini).
More than anything else, the Govt. of India must make it mandatory that no marriage takes place until the girl holds at least a +2 certificate, if not a degree. Unless the woman is educated and empowered, the nation CANNOT move forward. To quote Nehru, "If you educate a man you educate an individual, however, if you educate a woman you educate a whole family. Women empowered means Mother India empowered." 

In your teens, dear girls, fill your eyes with these dreams and hearts with these aspirations and not ask 'Love Marriage Ya Arranged Marriage?'

When you lose sleep...

over a book...
It happened to me after many years. Sat up two consecutive nights to complete "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini. I know it sounds crazy and I am up feeling groggy but was it worth it!
For all my friends who have made my head swell with their belief that there is a book in me waiting to be written, I have to say 'no way!' I cannot hold a candle to the most brilliant story telling I have experienced with this book. I cheated through a few pages, so eager was I to know what's going to happen next but then gave up and went back to my reading as I realized I wouldn't be able to sleep with this breath-taking narration waiting to happen. If it wasn't for the inevitability of the daily chores, I might have completed the book in one go.
Yes, it is again an Afghan war story from Hosseini. If 'The Kite Runner' is told through the eyes of a boy and a man, this story is told through the eyes of a girl and a woman. It is a story of a strange alliance between two women from diverse backgrounds, Laila, an educated girl and Mariam, an illegitimate girl from a lower social order, both forced to marry the same man who is much older than the ages of the two women put together. The story tells about the atrocities of the war and the results of Talibanization. Heart-wrenching to read through the tales of killing, mutilation, hanging, whipping. And... a woman's plight amidst all this.
To quote the author, “Learn this now and learn it well, my daughter: Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman. Always.”

It's absolutely astounding to read that a man can be so sadistic and thrash, kick, whip, pummel, disfigure and hurt his wives so much. The wife is allowed to go out only when her husband accompanies her. Therefore, Laila, his younger wife  is at her husband's mercy who is not interested in visiting the daughter in the orphanage where she is abandoned due to scarcity of food at home. The son is, of course, at home. When Laila dares step out alone to visit her daughter, she is brutally whipped by the Taliban. Despite this, she goes to visit her daughter wearing three coats so that the whippings don't hurt as much. 

Despite all that's happening inside and outside home, the women exhibit extraordinary courage and resilience and fight the system to emerge victorious in their own way. 

At the end of the story, I was too numbed and had to make a great effort to bring my mind to focus on the mundane things of everyday life. I felt so insignificant and my wants so selfish. I have so much going for me and I agonize over trivial things. Tears overwhelmed me as I realized how the Afghan women have suffered through all this.
This story has an Afghanistan backdrop but war or no war, across the globe, across countries, cultures, social and economic status, we see droves of women live cowering like rats succumbing to sheer brutal physical strength day in and day out.

Some more quotes from the book: 

•  "A man’s heart is a wretched, wretched thing, Mariam. It isn’t like a mother’s womb. It won’t bleed, it won’t stretch to make room for you.”  
• “A society has no chance of success if its women are uneducated...”
• "Marriage can wait, education cannot.” 

The Taxidermist and other Telugu stories

I was brought up in Orissa and had the advantage of learning four languages: English from school, Hindi from surroundings, Telugu at home and Oriya from the domestic help and as part of learning third language at school.

My parents were very much in favor of our learning and speaking the MT at home. In the course, we were taught how to read and write the language. The Telugu guide called 'Pedda Bala Siksha' was considered a Bible and each day we were asked to learn a part of it...it could be names of months of Hindu calender, the alphabet, numbers...all this and more. Strict punishment awaited the one who could not memorize and recite the same to father when he asked.

The learning was reinforced through buying of the monthly magazine for children, the Telugu 'Chandamamas'. Always hungry for stories, we kids used to look forward patiently to the issue every month and greedily lap up the contents. By this process, the MT got reinforced in the most delightful way.

The flip side was that a knowledge of the language when combined with an appetite for stories finds no stopping. The next target were the Telugu weeklies that my mom used to get at home. I remember her subscribing to three Telugu weeklies called the Andhra Jyothi, Andhra Prabha, Andhra Patrika and a monthly one called Yuva. We as kids were forbidden from touching the 'adult' magazines. My very obedient brothers never dared defy the orders but I being the rebel in the family, used to read the magazines on the sly. It was a wonderful world that had opened up for me through those magazines. There were serials, short stories, a mini novel (with Yuva), most of them containing the forbidden and banned 4 letter word 'LOVE'.

I was exposed to the world of love stories, one of which I remember as 'Prema lekhkalu'(love letters) by Sulochana Rani which was later made into a movie. I also remember the outrageous 'Maidanam' written by Chalam.Perhaps these unknowingly sowed seeds of awareness of the rights of a woman. Chalam advocated the thought that a woman has a mind , a body and a heart and these deserve the right to choose and be free. In the society which is still highly prejudiced against women, these thoughts were surely very rebellious in those times.

Also one of the short stories read in those days was one called 'The Taxidermist' about a set of parents wherein the husband plans the career path of his two kids, saying that the son would become this after growing up and the daughter that. I don't remember the exact details of the short story but I remember how much of an impact it made on my mind. At an age where I was not too good with difficult words in English, I was exposed to the word taxidermist and had to look up the dictionary to find out its meaning. In the story, the wife laments as to how the husband gradually brainwashes his children to give up what they are passionate about and to walk on the path which he chooses for them. Taxidermy, I came to know is the art of carving out the insides of the animal and re stuffing them to give them a life-like appearance and mount them for display.

The philosophy enunciated above finds its substantiation in Chalam's philosophy which finds a mention in Wiki.
1. He believed that the barriers created by the society precluded love and mutual understanding from human relationships.
2. In a society that believed in the children being indebted to their parents, he proclaimed caring for and bringing up of children as the fundamental duty as parents.
3. He was widely shunned during his times especially for his advocacy of women’s rights and his total rejection of the family system.

To this day, I don't regret reading those Telugu magazines. On the other hand, I am grateful to the awareness that they brought me. I learnt what I as a woman am and what I am capable of.
Thank you, Telugu literature!

A Woman's Identity

Yesterday, the front door neighbor was at the door with a policeman.
Seeing the police from a distance itself is distasteful, and then having one at the front door even more.
The neighbor asked me to sign in for police verification for her 19 year old son for his passport renewal. I hesitated. The repercussion of vouching for this long-haired youngster…was I doing the right thing?
Setting out with all these negative feelings, I started signing the form.
The form asked for signature, name and address.
I signed and wrote my name. At this, the police says, “Mention W/O” (wife of).
I seethed internally and told him that I am this (my name) and refused to be known as W/O. I have my entity.
The only place where the woman is allowed her own identification is on her child's CBSE certificate...everywhere else it’s only the father/husband who is mentioned...
The Indian Govt. must change this format and let a woman be known for what she is and not by her husband/father's identity only.

Just another dowry death

“A father’s tireless fight for justice neared fruition on Saturday with authorities agreeing to seek a CBI probe into his daughter’s suspicious death two years ago… Mr Kuruvilla, who firmly believed that his daughter was killed, continued his fight for justice. He also started a blog to present his case. The decision to hand over the case to the CBI brought him some relief” ran the news.

Relieved about what, Mr.Kuruivilla? Will this bring your daughter back?

I may sound heartless when I say this but this is probably a well-deserved punishment for not empowering the girl child enough to enable her to earn her livelihood and choose a partner.

When will the parents realize that marriage is not the be all and end all of a girl’s existence...or for that matter any person’s existence.

Why should the girl be considered such a burden that one needs to get rid of her at any cost? In this case, five lakh rupees were paid as dowry apart from 50 sovereigns of gold.

When I hear fathers paying fat dowry to buy the boys, I feel that if the same amount was given to the girl to set up her own business, and if she was clever enough, she would in no time be able to use that money to run a flourishing business of her own…or go abroad…or study…find her feet…find herself…or whatever it takes to feel confident of herself… and once this is done, will there be a dearth of men who wan to marry her?

These dowry deaths will continue in India as long as the parents consider their daughters a burden…the girl is ‘paraya dhan’. I have absolutely no sympathy for such fathers who consider their daughters as someone to be taken care of till the great son in law arrives at the scene to take her off his hands. He is so relieved to get rid of the daughter that not only does he host the wedding, submit to every demand made by the groom and his parents but also remain subservient, and heed to their every demand.

If he has to fight for justice, let him now fight on behalf of all those underpowered, voiceless, unfortunate girls who are ready to be sacrificed on the anvil of marriage! Only then will I be able to call it a fight for justice.

Marriages in India

When a girl is 20, its time for marriage in India!
Is there a ‘Time’ for marriage? How can it be?! That time may come anytime… when you are 18, 30,50 or 80! We don’t know when the cupid strikes! In India it’s the parents who strike first … lest the cupid strikes!
The best part of the whole affair is that the girl is never or rarely informed.
This how we begin our groom-hunt:
First we see if we speak the same language, then whether we belong to the same caste, the same sub-caste. These are considered of utmost importance in deciding the compatibility between the pair. Once these things are out of the way, then it’s the turn of the astrological charts! The old, bespectacled astrologer has the power to peep into the hearts of the girl and the guy and decide whether these two will be a compatible pair for the rest of the lives!
If there is a match as far as all the above factors are concerned, rest assured! These two will never have any trouble in their marriage and will surely live happily ever after!
After all these things match, let’s now inform the girl that hey…you are getting married to this guy, ok!
God forbid, she dares say a no …how can she say a no …she is so lucky to be selected by the boy (or rather his parents)!
Let’s pay a fat dowry as we are SO grateful that we have found some one to take away this burden that hangs like the Damocles sword on our head!
When this is the case, I wonder why the girl’s parents cry at the ‘bidaayi’ (sending of the girl from one's house).
This might sound ridiculous in the modern context to many people but this is how it happens even now with most of the girls in India.
This blog is triggered after witnessing today a well- placed professional couple trying to get a match for their 22 year old daughter in her final year of Medicine (of course without informing her).
Referring to the two consecutive blogs, I wonder do we still have reasons to celebrate Women’s Day?

Disparity at both ends

I read in the newspaper today that women and men laborers will start getting equal pay!
It was Rs 30 for a woman and Rs. 50 for a man all these years.
It was now proudly proclaimed that it's going to be an equal Rs. 80 for both!
Finally!
The claim for the difference seems to be the difference in the physical strength!
Sigh! As though the woman laborer doesn’t work equally hard throughout the day! The woman laborer carries the bricks on her head all day long and the man picks up the bricks, aligns them and applies cement .Whose work is harder?
Well, if this is the situation at this end, the same is with the elite.
If Akshay Kumar, Aamir Khan, Shah Rukh Khan get paid 7 crore for a film, the top actresses in the film industry get paid 3 crore!
The fire brand Kareena Kapoor accepts this without a protest or whimper.
The situation of the middle class or rather the corporate is much better.
The IT industry proudly claims a 33-35 % women work force.

Disparity here too but, at least, not in terms of pay.